


The Lord of the Pies

by JuneLuxray



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Lord of the Pies, Semi-crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-17
Updated: 2016-01-17
Packaged: 2018-05-14 11:21:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5741812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JuneLuxray/pseuds/JuneLuxray
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Inquisitor falls through the floor on her way to speak with Solas, and finds something below the floor of Skyhold that no one knew existed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Lord of the Pies

**Author's Note:**

> I write really bizarre shit when I'm sick.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jqv-t9JWlE0

Her head had gone to meet Solas's eyes when she fell through the floor, slipping below the stone, into the strangely white void of the mountain below the fortress. There, she stopped mid-fall, and her screams ceased as she realized she had hit the floor. The Inquisitor, dazed, tried to look up to see what she was caught on or where she was-- underneath Skyhold due to a hole in the floor, the Fade, perhaps-- when she stopped short. She could see through some of the floor above, including the door she had just gone through. The outside rock wall of the rotunda was clear against a beautiful sky.

Music that reminded her of a nursery song on a music box echoed in the underground. She turned every which way around, baffled as she sought out the sound. As she moved forward a step, she saw walls above fade in and out of sight, doors hanging in midair, attached to previously visible walls. What she saw as she turned stopped her in her tracks.

A golden brown pie several times her size, and a full several feet taller than her, was several paces away. A black top hat with a red ribbon around its base sat on a flat stone plate on the ground she found herself standing on. Pink bunny ears stuck out on the edges of the top of the pie. Angry brown sticks for eyebrows adorned eyes, of all things, with two black cross-eyed pupils, the right one larger than the left in size. A round, flat, beige nose sat above a downward-curved frown.

This was not a happy pie.

Gaping, she hesitated for a moment, then stepped forward towards the pie to investigate further. Her fingers crackled with magic in case this pie was as unfriendly as it looked. As she drew closer, the pie disappeared from view, out of existence. She stopped short, baffled ever more. Taking a step back, the pie reappeared.

 _Odd_ , she mused. _Very odd_.

She circled around it, trying to get a clearer view of the front of the pie. Again it disappeared from sight, and she growled ever so slightly in frustration. Forgoing sense, she ran to where the pie was, the unsettling song growing nearer as she approached where the pie once was. It failed to reappear, and again the Inquisitor retreated, watching as the pie eventually sprang into view, running backwards. Eventually her back bumped up against a hard surface, and she gawked at the pie for several moments longer.

The Fade. She had to be in the Fade, but it felt so real...so unlike the Fade.

Abandoning all sense, she approached the cliff just behind the pie when her foot slipped and she fell again, halfway down a 180 degree drop. She screamed-- and stopped all of a sudden as she caught in midair. Her legs and arms were completely useless. She stared down below at a somewhat snowy ground, reminded distinctly of Haven. The woman hung there for several seconds, left wondering what life choices led her up to this moment.

Her fall resumed, and her scream was short-lived; she cried out as she hit a solid stone floor below, and fell upon her hands and knees. Groaning, Inquisitor Trevelyan pulled herself up, finding herself in another strange area. Surrounded by stone walls with nary a torch in sight, she huffed and looked around for an escape.

The song was still playing. Her nerves got more and more unsettled as the song taunted her. Sweat beaded on her forehead as she saw light coming from behind a wall to the right of her. She ran as fast as her feet could take her around the wall, and lo and behold, a door with a torch beside it floated above her.

She jumped for it desperately, gritting her teeth as she found herself being pushed back. No, she had to escape, she had to...

Something was pulling her back from behind. She lost her foothold and crashed to the ground again, digging her nails into the floor as she was pulled back. Everything faded to white as she screamed for help to an apparently unlistening Maker.

* * *

The light was gone. She was distinctly aware of her head pounding; she felt blood on the side of her head. The worst headache she had ever endured ripped through her skull. The accursed song that had taunted her through the whole experience was gone as well. Instead, it was replaced by murmurs of her party members. Cassandra's voice was less of a murmur and more agitated.

"You could have killed her!" she scolded an unknown entity.

"To be fair, she's been through a lot worse. I don't think being knocked out by a book would do it." Varric's voice said coolly.

"She's awakening." Solas muttered.

Her eyes blinked open to find herself on the couch in Solas's room. A healer was dabbing her head with a cloth, while Solas, Cassandra, Varric, Dorian, and Vivienne stood over her. Dorian was red in the face, his forehead covered in sweat. His eyes widened as she gave them all a baffled look.

"Wha..."

Vivienne held two fingers in front of the woman's face. They were blurry and hard to follow. "How many fingers am I holding up?" she asked. Dawn squinted her eyes, trying to focus.

"Two?"

"Very good," Vivienne praised, "now, have your eyes follow my finger, back and forth."

Her hand went left and right, and the Inquisitor's eyes slowly followed it. She groaned. "My head, oh, Maker, my head..."

"I'm so sorry," Dorian apologized, "Maker, I'm so sorry, I'll never be so careless again."

She blinked at him. "What...?"

Solas crossed his arms. "Dorian was looking for a book and was tossing them over the railing again. One of them, a particularly heavy one, bounced off of my table and hit you in the head as you were walking in. You fell backwards and hit your head on the ground."

Varric whistled as the healer pulled away, revealing a nasty black and blue bruise upon her head. The blood had been mostly wiped away. "Andraste's dimpled buttcheeks, that's going to leave a mark. Still, you could be in much worse condition."

"It's nothing short of a miracle that you've come out of it with a bruise and a concussion." Cassandra mused. "How's your head?"

"It hurts." Dawn mumbled. "Don't worry..."

"How's your mental state? Do you see anything that seems out of place?" Vivienne pressed. Dawn paused, thinking. She nodded.

"I...I don't know what happened. I may have been in the Fade, but I just had the most unusual adventure." She recanted the events of her adventures below Skyhold, including the mysterious pastry. When she was done, the others merely stared at her as though she had gone completely mad.

"I think you were hallucinating. Very _vividly_ hallucinating." Dorian suggested, wincing. "A pie with a top hat and rabbit ears?"

"She may still be hallucinating." Cassandra pointed out. "She _did_ hit her head very hard."

Vivienne looked up to the healer. "I think she should be put under observation for the next several hours and not allowed to get out of bed. She might hurt herself."

"But it felt so _real_." the Herald protested. "Was it the Fade...? Can the Fade be that real?"

"Hush, Darling; don't worry yourself." the enchanter said gently. "It's not real. Understandable if you're out of your head after such an impact. I've seen other people in such a state after head trauma, but they come out of it quickly." Vivienne reassured.

Dawn didn't notice the other companions in the upper floors, watching and listening as they took her away to her quarters with the healer. No one said a thing as she was carried off.

Cole frowned. "But it _was_ real."

Sera rolled her eyes. "There's not a friggin' giant pie under the floor, Creepy. She's just out of it because she got knocked in the head. Inky will be right as rain in a few hours."

Bull grunted and nodded his head. "She probably won't even remember any of this later. Inquisitor's tripping _balls_."

Far below where any mortal eyes should pry, the Lord of the Pies smiled.

 


End file.
